Hey! Where've you been?????

Where has the time gone? I bet every mother asks that at least 4 times a year. I can't possibly update on what has happened since I last posted. Five months have past, countless birthdays, anniversaries, a summer vacation, the first snowfall. Where have I been? Twitter! ha. Of course it is not as simple as that. Mix two parts crazy busy with two kids under two (boys at that, and yes there is a big difference all you mothers of girls), mixed with two parts broken laptop in the shop for 8 weeks, mixed with lost motivation and that is where I have been. But I'm back so lets focus on that. *wink* I haven't been wasting time while the computer was in the shop. Aside from spending countless hours entertaining the kids, I've kept my typing fingers busy 140 characters at a time on Twitter, spent some valuable hours at the gym and began working on a couple of personal goals.

Growing up I was always in the water. I loved to swim and my mom had me in swimming lessons religiously. Then I hit my awkward teen years and hated being in a bathing suit so I gave up my fins. I have always regretted not finishing my program and completing my Lifeguard/Instructor levels. So I headed back to the pool to try and right this wrong. I am taking stroke improvement classes two nights a week with an amazing swim instructor. She has taken me further in 4 weeks than I was able to take myself in 6 months of swimming. Hopefully in the new year I will be ready to take the next step. I am really nervous as I am not much more comfortable in a swim suit now than I was as a 14 year old girl but at least now my head is in a different space.

The other goal is actually one I set about 10 years ago. In my mid 20's I decided to go to University. I completed about 2 and a half years before deciding to quit to go back to work full time. I kept trying to finish my degree one class at a time taking night or weekend classes but they just never seemed to fit into the reality of my life. But now as I sit at home and evaluate my life and think about having to go back to work I dread leaving my kids to do something I am not passionate about (AT ALL). So I have found a program that interests me and I am setting out to pad my application with wonderful recommendations. I have started volunteering with an organization called the Between Friends Club. They are a not for profit organization that plans recreation and social opportunities for individuals with various disabilities. I am working with a Friday night group of adults. Each week we meet up for a couple hours and see a movie, or hockey game or even just go out for dinner. I've been doing it for about 4 weeks now and I am enjoying it more than I could have imagined. We have quite the variety of participants in my group and each week I genuinely look forward to getting together with them. What started out as padding my resume has really turned into an enriching experience for me.

So as you can see I've been keeping busy. Hopefully now that I have a bit of a handle on my calendar I can make my visits here a regular occurrence.

Workout

So how long can I use the excuse I just had a baby to explain the many exta pounds I am carrying? It feels like I have been pregnant for YEARS!!! Cian was born in Sept 2007 and 10 months later I found myself pregnant with Auley. So now after two glorious almost back to back pregnancies in which I gained 60 lbs each (thank god I lost the first 60 before getting pregnant the second time or I would really be in trouble) I am desperate to take my body back! Auley will be 8 weeks next Tuesday and I think that means the excuses are over!

I went out and got a family gym pass today. I looked long and hard for a facility that had all I wanted in a gym and guess what it came down to... great personal trainers? Lots of classes?Nope. The pool? Nope. Location? Nope. Somehow when you have kids everything becomes about them including what gym you go to. It came down to the daycare. The daycare!!!! Not a fancy sauna or towel service, not an on site Starbucks. Of course who I leave my kids in the care of is more important than all of these other things but I was hoping to have it all! Unfortunately in this fitness/weightloss journey I can't have my cake and eat it too and I can't have quality affordable childcare and towel service too.
So we got our membership all set up yesterday so that we would be all ready to go work out today. I packed my gym bag, packed the boys bag which was to include diapers, wipes, a change of clothes for each of them a snack for Cian, a soother for Auley.....? Did I forget anything?? Socks! I always forget socks for myself. Bags packed. Check.
In the morning we got dressed, and fed, shoes and coats on, (oops mom forgot to eat and probably should have something if she plans on having any energy to workout) ok....moms fed, kids in car seats, bags in car, drive to gym, haul the two kids (one sleeping in carseat) and two bags into childcare center, drop kids off. Wonder to self is this worth it??? It is exhausting enough just to get to the gym. So I do finally get to the gym drop my bag in a locker, put on my runners, walk out into the fitness center and.......now what??? Seriously. I didn't even know where to start. I spent so much time plotting out just getting to the gym that when I finally got there..... ???? So that is my plan for this weekend to work out my work out plan beyond just getting there. (But isn't that half the battle won already?)

Supermom

The toddler is a bit of a bruiser. He is a big boy, always in the 95-98th percentile. This means that if you lined up 100 toddlers his age there would only be between 2 and 5 toddlers that are bigger than him. True to his size he is a tough guy. He has had many tumbles, the kind that when you see it happen you gasp for breath and then hold it waiting for the ear piercing cry that comes after. Most of the time with Cian……the cry never comes. He’s fallen and scraped his knee without a peep, been wacked on the head with multiple toys while playing with cousins and friends, fallen from furniture, down stairs and off of climbing apparatus. He has never been one to fall down and cry for attention. He always picks himself up and gets right back into the action. Because of this when he does cry I know that it is serious. Tonight I was feeding the baby and I suddenly heard the ear piercing cry. I put the baby down and ran to see what happened. Cian had been following daddy into the kitchen and somehow got his hand pinched in the baby gate. Cian was already on his way back to me crying and in tears. I knelt down in front of him and put my arms around him. He fell into my arms and tucked his little head right into my shoulder. I just held him. I felt all the tension go out of his little body and his cries and tears subsided. I am a superhero! That is what I felt like. I had the power to take away the pain and make everything alright. I remember my mom being that for me many times, even as I got older, sometimes even now. What amazing power mothers have. It felt good to have that power tonight and to know that even though all of the world’s pain can not be made okay by a simple hug from mom some of it can.

A Baby Story

We've been home with baby now for a few weeks. We've been enjoying our time getting aquainted and learning how to do this newborn thing again. I had all but forgotten the total exhaustion that comes along with a new born. zzzzzzzzzzzz. My labour and delivery story is thankfully pretty uneventful. I was already dialated 6-7 cm when we arrived at the hospital. I was checked into a delivery room given a little laughing gas, given an epidural, I gave a couple pushes and along came baby Auley. We spent a couple of nights at the hospital and then made our way home plus one.

So now we are home and we've survived the first couple of weeks. What a difference two is compared to one. I feel as though I spent the whole first week home instructing the toddler, don't touch, gentle, stay away from the baby, get out of the playpen, don't shake the playpen, leave your brother alone. It was so frustrating and my heart just broke for Cian. When a second child comes along the first child's world truly does turn upside down. Now when Cian wants to climb up on Mommy's lap for a quick cuddle half the time there is no room on that lap because it is occupied by this new addition. And before whenever Cian needed me for ANYTHING even to show me some little speck that interested him on the floor I was able to stop what I was doing and fully engage with him. Now, I sometimes feel as though he's lost something. Something I don't know how to name. Something that we had, just the two of us. It makes me a little sad. I am sure Cian will adapt. He already has started to show a bit of understanding and is starting to become content sitting beside mommy and baby while we nurse. And all is not loss. Even though right now Auley isn't that much fun for Cian over the coming months I know Cian will find in Auley the best friend he will ever have.

Still no baby but it is okay

So still no baby yet. But that's okay. I have resigned myself to the fact he is going to come when he comes and my impatience is probably making the whole process seem longer! So I have decided to take advantage of my time at home with Cian and to enjoy him as much as humanly possible because soon my attentions will be pulled in even more directions!

So enjoy him I did today. He is such a sweet little boy and so adventurous. One minute he will be playing with some toys and he will just get up, come over and give me a hug, then go back to what he was doing without a thought. It melts my heart! The next minute he is climbing various pieces of furniture and trying to figure out just how close to the ceiling he can possibly get. I love to see his personality coming out in his different activities. He is at the stage where he loves to mimic others actions which really has me keeping a close eye on myself! Cian's boot was in the living room and not feeling like walking it to the hall I tossed it over with the rest of the shoes. Five minutes later Cian's game was throw the boot! He kept retrieving it and throwing it (probably not the best example of housekeeping to teach my child). In a better example of housekeeping I did a little vacuuming this afternoon and Cian wanted to get in on the action so I gave him the hose and he went around sucking up dust bunnies. Perhaps tomorrow if I show him how to scrub the toilet I can pass along that chore to him as well. tee hee. (not likely at 18 months and by the time he's old enough I am sure the novelty will have worn off).

So tomorrow is another day and if the baby doesn't make an appearance well so be it. It will just be one more special day for me to take advantage of the time I have just with Cian.

I am 37 weeks pregnant and for the last 8 weeks or so have been on short term disability due to major sciatica. So I am basically in constant pain at all times. Bad enough on its own but...... add to that a very active 17 month old little boy and life has become a great challenge to say the least. Because I can't do absolutely everything for him he is learning independence very quickly. Even though I had really hoped to spend these last weeks babying my baby I think this forced jump into independence will prove to be good for both him and me once the new baby comes along. He can now do little things like climb into his booster seat and pick himself up after a fall and come to me rather than being scooped up everytime, he's even helped me take the laundry from the washer and put it in the dryer. And I think being forced into manhood (haha) before, rather than after the new baby comes will help him be less resentful of a new little being grabbing mamas attention. I think all moms go through a certain amount of mommy guilt. Am I a good mom? Did I do a good job today? Did I nurture enough? Did I feed nutritious foods? Give enough attention? Enough love? The list of questions could go on. Since my back has been compromised I feel like a bad mom every day! I know I have to stop beating myself up and that moms in general are to hard on themselves. Cian was in the dayhome for the first month I was home but is now home with me. It is hard for me now to get down on the floor with him to play and it is a great challenge to even just get out of the house. I have been trying to keep the little muffin entertained here at home which has been okay but this week got abnormally hard. I think we both started to get cabin fever!!! So we ventured out to one of my girlfriends houses to have a mommy visit and let Cian run around with her 2 girls in a different environment! What a relief to just get out of the house. I feel so mentally refreshed just having two hours with another adult. Don't get me wrong I love the time I spend at home with my little muffin but I can't wait until we can get back to some active living!

No more lurking

Confession time. I've been an avid blog reader for going on two years now. I think what I would be called in the blogger world is a"lurker". I read tonnes of blogs everyday but have never really taken the time to become part of any blogger community. I don't leave comments or thoughts or give feedback to the bloggers pouring their hearts, souls, minds out for all to read. Nope I just lurk. Like peeping in a living room window. But no more.I too am going to put myself out there. Thoughts, feelings struggles, triumphs all of it. And along the way I intend to comment and get involved in the blogging community.